Agony
by Crystalline Desires
Summary: …Yet still, I can call myself so many names that tarnish my pride, my honour, but I will never be able to stop myself from loving you. Songfic. Ikutau, depending on how you interpret it. Character death.


**A/N:** Well, as usual, I'm not too happy with the way this turned out, but my friend repeatedly begged and threatened me to post it up; so I did. I hope it's not too bad, I know I've written worse. This pairing really deserves more love. That's all I have to say. The song is Agony by Kotoko (Kannazuki no Miko. w). Anyway, enjoy, even though this is made of epic fail. :3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except the plot. If I did own Shugo Chara, there would be less Amuto and more incest. Oh, and I can't sing for crap. So, yeah.

The 'I' entity is Utau, the 'you' she refers to is Ikuto, and the 'other girl' is Amu. Just in case you didn't realise.

* * *

_The dream I once had  
Covered by the lights of the night  
Only the silent whisper ignites my pondering  
If it's destiny for those eyes to open  
Then, just for now…_

That wish. My one wish. The only thing I had ever desired in my small, fragile life. It is slipping away, slipping away to something more radiant and appealing than myself. Am I meant to be just a broken doll, thrown away then replaced?

Those words still haunt my thoughts, even now. Those words, in that voice. That voice that I had once tried so hard to persuade and seduce myself. But why, to her? Why that girl? She would realise sooner or later that he was deadly serious about their relationship, and she would succumb to his charm and overpowering aura. Just as I had done, so long ago.

My heart is breaking more and more by the second, surely my chest will burst soon. I have to stop these thoughts, cease this pain. Yes, I will strive to enjoy the time I have left with him as much as I can, before his body and soul becomes property of that other girl. My heart will split straight down the middle then, and I will be tossed aside; a broken, useless doll.

_I bow my head in the nighttime breeze because it's hopeless  
Then tears and the shadow of the moon overflow in my palm  
What is it that you want?  
Those lips were shaking in the dark_

On my own now, I stand in solitude under the moon and stars. They would usually comfort me, embrace me warmly, whispering, _'It's all right.'_ Now all they offer is a cold stare down from the blackening night sky, and the reassurance that everything will most certainly not be all right.

My head falls forwards, to my chest, and the force of which it does brings me to my knees. I can feel tears, forming and falling at the sides of my eyes. I lift my hand, catching one of the glistening drops of water like a pearl in the palm of my hand, oddly fascinated by its sorrowful texture. I can sense the moon, constantly casting its disapproving gaze down on me. Even the universe hates me now, I decide. I no longer have a purpose or a place here.

Why would he? Why that girl? Why not me? Why did it all matter so damn much? I ask myself these questions in my head repeatedly, searching for an answer somewhere in the horizon spread out all around me. Even if it's only an attempt to evade the question I want answered the most. Am I not good enough? I shiver, hugging myself tightly as I fall deeper into my emotional breakdown, screaming and weeping for all to see.

_To protect the smile that pierced my heart  
Since the moment we met, I've been holding on  
To the collapsing promise so much that it hurts_

That's right, isn't it? The reason I've always been following you, giving up my freedom to become a dog trained only to lie, seduce, kill. That smile. That bright smile. How long has it been since I last seen it touch your pale features? Too long, I reason. It has been years. Years of slavery, years of labour and pain, yet you still only reserve that beautiful smile for her. For her, not me.

The wind bites at my bare skin, like a thousand tiny needles sending divine punishment for being so foul and impure. But didn't you promise? I'm sure you did. That day, many years ago, you promised to always be by my side, only to break that very promise the next day. But I, the disgusting, useless doll, had been so devastated that I felt I still had to cling to every last ray of hope emitting from that promise. That dull promise, no longer shining along with your smile.

_Just by being next to you  
Just by sharing the same time together  
I can cherish the distant memories and renewing sorrow_

Those peaceful nights, lying by your side without a care in the world. There was space for other loved ones too, you didn't mind at that time. We were happy. We were content to just stay under that sky, that scarlet sky for hours on end, each wrapped up in that warm embrace. Your embrace. Ours.

Time was unfair. Or was it fate? Either way, our time together was short. I realise now, under this cruel moon (so different from that time), that I should have at least made an attempt to preserve that time. But, alas, I am a mere broken doll. I'm a terrible, terrible person. I made a bad decision. The worst decision of my life. The decision that would send you away into another's arms, away from me forever.

Still, those memories wrap me in a blanket of soft nostalgia now, accompanied by the knowledge that tomorrow holds more pain, more agony, and I accept it. I accept my fate, as the broken, useless, terrible, disgusting doll. I stand back in my mind, and allow you to fall into her honey-like embrace. It is sweeter than mine, right?

…Yet still, I can call myself so many names that tarnish my pride, my honour, but I will never be able to stop myself from loving you.

_Will and end, filled with peace  
Ever come for these karmic thoughts?  
That repeated question rises to the heavens_

The moon is falling. The sun is rising. How long have I been lying here, my heart overflowing with despair? People are looking at me now, and their expressions are those of pity and ignorance. I'm only a broken doll, why should they give me a second thought. So like you, I tell myself, and I spiral into another dark abyss, cold and lonely, without you. Will anything ever change?

The amount of times I've wished, and wished, and wished, and wished, until I was sobbing and shaking, that you would come back to me are countless. I realise, only now, that those wishes must be ignored, for I am impure and disgusting, not worthy of even a glance. Those wishes, dancing in the heavens, with nowhere to roam, trapped and lonely, just like me. I can relate, to those things I hold so dear. I pity myself.

I watch the sun rising higher and higher, not caring that my eyes are being blinded, oblivious to the tears streaming down my face. I kneel here now, under the wonderful, mysterious, blazing rising sun, and I know that it's too late to beg for forgiveness. Why would I want to? The pitiful, broken doll's time here is done.

_And becomes the morning light_

I fall over, onto my side, eyes wide open, yet unseeing, with remnants of dried out tears still visible on my cheeks. It is bright, from what I can see (am I even seeing?), brighter than it should be. I am truly happy now, for the first in my life. Or is this death? I can feel you now. (how much time has it been?) I can hear your voice, others' too. But they are worried and frightened. Your speech is choked with emotion, not as it would usually be. The words are forming in your mouth, I can sense it. The words I so desperately wanted to hear, just once, I can finally feel them. I smile. I am falling, I am flying, I am laughing and I am happy. "Utau, I love-!" And I am dead.


End file.
